I sit there with my babe in my arms. I'm trying hard to fall in love with her, honestly I am. Permisions been granted to be a mother for a short while, she is just on loan you must understand. I should take it drink it in be one with her. I just can't though, it torments me like nothing I have ever experienced. It's such hard work to relax and love. She is fragile and lovely, she is our babe we wished for so dearly but it is not meant to be like this. They're always there watching, judging, the power stuggle for control and ownership goes on with a turbulant undercurrent. I wish I could roar "but I'm her mother", but I don't I sit there meek and pathetic until it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. There is a battle between being her advocate and being the "good family" so she gets treated kindly when we're not there.
We walk in the door one morning and the nursing staff melt away from us. They hide, give us a smile that says "I'm sorry". They pick up the phone and talk in hushed tones. What is this about, I think. My babe is still there behind the plastic, her numbers look good. The tech came yesterday to do her head ultrasound, just routine they all say, nothing to worry about, will only take ten minutes but the ultrasound takes close to an hour. My alarm bells should of gone off then. Babe's consultant is by our side within minutes. The words escape from his mouth that turn our lives around "her brain scan was not normal". What do you mean not normal I think. No this isn't happening to our babe. "She may never do this and never do that" he says "you will have to wait and see". I can't think straight. The other families are trying to be polite and pretend not to hear their own nightmares echoed in ours. I don't want to wait and see. I want the imposible, I want to know what lies ahead. I want to know if I can ever fall in mother love with her.
DH and I stay for the morning. Then we leave, work still goes on for DH. We walk into my mother and father's house. My sister and her family is there. My mother wants to know the results of her ultrasound. We tell them and leave with our two year old. My mother comes the next day and as if she has walked into my mind she says "its Ok I will love her with you no matter what lies ahead". Thats when I started to fall for my babe, when my mother's love for me and her grandaughter set me free from my fears for the future and the unkown with my premature babe.
