I sit there with my babe in my arms. I'm trying hard to fall in love with her, honestly I am. Permisions been granted to be a mother for a short while, she is just on loan you must understand. I should take it drink it in be one with her. I just can't though, it torments me like nothing I have ever experienced. It's such hard work to relax and love. She is fragile and lovely, she is our babe we wished for so dearly but it is not meant to be like this. They're always there watching, judging, the power stuggle for control and ownership goes on with a turbulant undercurrent. I wish I could roar "but I'm her mother", but I don't I sit there meek and pathetic until it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. There is a battle between being her advocate and being the "good family" so she gets treated kindly when we're not there.
We walk in the door one morning and the nursing staff melt away from us. They hide, give us a smile that says "I'm sorry". They pick up the phone and talk in hushed tones. What is this about, I think. My babe is still there behind the plastic, her numbers look good. The tech came yesterday to do her head ultrasound, just routine they all say, nothing to worry about, will only take ten minutes but the ultrasound takes close to an hour. My alarm bells should of gone off then. Babe's consultant is by our side within minutes. The words escape from his mouth that turn our lives around "her brain scan was not normal". What do you mean not normal I think. No this isn't happening to our babe. "She may never do this and never do that" he says "you will have to wait and see". I can't think straight. The other families are trying to be polite and pretend not to hear their own nightmares echoed in ours. I don't want to wait and see. I want the imposible, I want to know what lies ahead. I want to know if I can ever fall in mother love with her.
DH and I stay for the morning. Then we leave, work still goes on for DH. We walk into my mother and father's house. My sister and her family is there. My mother wants to know the results of her ultrasound. We tell them and leave with our two year old. My mother comes the next day and as if she has walked into my mind she says "its Ok I will love her with you no matter what lies ahead". Thats when I started to fall for my babe, when my mother's love for me and her grandaughter set me free from my fears for the future and the unkown with my premature babe.
4 comments:
I have never met a NICU nurse who would treat a baby unkindly regardless of a parent's behavior. Nurses talk unkindly about the parents at times, and I've even seen rudeness toward families, but the babies in my NICU always get the same treatment.
I do understand your fear, though. It is normal to think that someone who is unhappy with you might take that out on your helpless child. I suppose it is possible that someone might, but it is hard for me to imagine anyone who would work in a NICU who could be that way.
While we were in the nursery we had some absolutely fantastic nurses look after our daughter, they were extreemly empathetic, professional and kind.
There were a few nurses though that were difficult, abrupt, rude and continually complaining about their job and the babies. Their care was sloppy and whenever a family walked out of the nursery they would start bitching about them openly infront of everyone. There was one nurse who yelled at a baby for vomitting (this baby was very unwell and latter passed away).
So maybe I am working through some of my jaded feellings over it all. I shall be sure to post at sometime about those that cared for our daughter in a way that was so kind that got us through the hard times.
Moo had some attrocious nurses and some brilliant ones. It took us a day to find out the brainscan results. No-one wantd to tell us and then it was so sugar coated it was sickening,
I found your blog through another MS mom who found my blog. My son, Zane, who is now 4 1/2 was born at 28 weeks. I had placental abruption at 23 weeks so they knew he was coming early and were able to pump me full of steroids. He weighed 2 lbs. 13 oz and was intebated at birth. Gratefully, he was breathing on his own and eating by mouth when he came home after 8 weeks in the NICU. It's been a long haul but he is fine today--the tallest in his class. I've dealt with a lot with my MS but it is NOTHING compared to those days in the NICU. Hang in and know that, although we are strangers, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Lazy Julie
http://lazyjulie.blogspot.com
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